To the left are links to the jokes my grandfather told me over the years. If you would like to listen and read along please click on the earphone graphic which appears at the bottom of the transcription of each joke. Once the audio begins, you'll need to return back to this page to read along.

ANCIENT ROMAN

My name is Max Dressler. I'm in the presence of my granddaughter, Shana Dressler, and she has a gun to my head, making me tell certain stories, some of which are of questionable merit. She first wanted me to say something about Rome and the only thing I know about Rome is something I read years and years ago. And it goes something like this.

There was once an ancient Roman
In Rome's imperial day
Who heard a coward croaker
Before the castle say:
"They're safe in such a fortress,
There is no way to shake it
On, on, exclaimed the hero
I'll find a way or make it."

That little ditty epitomizes my granddaughter's determination in accomplishing what she wants to accomplish, using me as the medium.

ITCHY PUSSY

I'm sure you've all been in a supermarket. Well this middle-aged lady had filled up her basket with goods that she bought and brought it to the checkout counter. And as the girl at the checkout counter was tabulating the items and making the charges, the stuff went down a conveyor and a young man was at the end of the conveyor, bagged it and put it into another cart. Well this lady saw this young man. He was so handsome she became overpowered with a sex urge. She tried to attract his attention but he was busy taking the food from off of the conveyer and putting it into a bag and then into the car. And when all the food was packed up and put into the car the lady came down and the boy began to push the cart through the parking lot. And she put one of her hands on top of his hands and squeezed him as they were walking to the exit into the parking lot. And he says to her, "Is your car in the parking lot?" She says, "Yes." So they get into the lot and she squeezes his hand again and she says, "I have an itchy pussy." So the young man said, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I don't know one Japanese car from another."

JEWISH SONGS

At the beginning of all this, Shana was talking about Jewish jokes so I thought it might be nice to tell you about these two Jewish ladies, one in her middle fifties and the other in her late sixties. They were inseparable. Whatever took place, they did it together. Whether in a theater or a museum or a concert or a lunch, they were always together. One day the older woman met with the younger woman as usual. She said, "I have something special to tell you. I met a very fine gentleman and we've decided to get married. We're going to go get married soon and we're going to go on a honeymoon and when it's over we're coming back and I assure you nothing between us will change." The woman got married. She went on her honeymoon and came back and got together with her friend and told her about the honeymoon. She said, "My husband Jake is a wonderful person. Rich. Kind. Gentle. We had a room with a suite, a living room. We had the dinner brought in. He had a violinist play. I'll never forget it. And then we went to bed and we sang Jewish songs all night long."

So, time goes by and one day the younger woman says to the older woman when they met that day, "I've got to tell you I've met a very fine young man. And he has talked about marriage and I accepted and we're gonna get married and we're going to go on a honeymoon and I assure you, when I come back, everything will be the same as it always was." So, she got married, went on a honeymoon, came back and got together with her friend and told her about the details. She said, "Oh, my husband is so considerate, so thoughtful. He hasn't very much money so we stayed in a motel. The car was just outside the door. There was a little place in this motel where we had a bite to eat for dinner and afterwards we went to bed and neither of us could remember one Jewish song so we fucked all night."

SHAKESPEARE JOKE #1

My granddaughter still has a gun to my head, so I'll tell her a little story about Shakespeare.

This happened in a little town in Iowa, in the heat of the summer, in the block that had a saloon with a swinging door. Four men were seated around a table drinking beer. And as the conversation moved around from here and there, one of the four said, "Look, this is such a mundane way to talk, as we're doing now." One of the others said, "What do you mean by that?" He said, "We ought to talk as they did in Shakespeare's time." "Well how is that?" At that moment, the swinging door swung inward and in came a bow-legged man and one of the four piped up and said, "Oh look at the bow-legged man." And the one who spoke about Shakespeare said, "That isn't the way to say it. You ought to say it the way they would in Shakespeare's time." "Well how would that go?" "Well, very simple. What ho, what ho, what ho. What manner of men are these that carry their balls in parentheses?"

SHAKESPEARE JOKE #2

Well Shakespeare would be a good topic to take up again. He has survived so many years and many, many stories have been based upon him and I have one of them involving a little acting group in a town in Kansas that decided during the winter festival time, to run five Shakespearean plays in the one theater in the city, during one week of the festival period. And they advertised in the paper that the plays would begin on Monday and run through Friday and if you come down to the box office you will see the plays listed on the tablet and if you have any questions, you ask the box office person who's selling the tickets.

So a couple went down there and they looked around to see what plays were on. They saw a stand with the following notations on it to indicate the plays of the week. Monday: two inches. Tuesday: four inches. Wednesday: six inches. Thursday: eight inches. Sunday: ten inches. And they puzzled. What in devil does that have to do about the plays? So they saw the notation: "If you have any questions, see the box office agent" and they went over and asked him. He asked the agent, "What do you mean by Monday, two inches?" "Oh, the play is Much Ado About Nothing." "What about the four inches?" "Love's Labor Lost." "And what about the six inches?" "As You Like It." "And what about the eight inches?" "A Midsummer Night's Dream." "And the ten inch?" "Taming of the Shrew."

SHELLEY AND KEATS

This story involves the poets Shelley and Keats, who died about the same time and went to heaven, where St. Peter met them. And they asked to be buried in the poets' heaven. And St. Peter said, "The area's almost completely filled. I have room for one so we will have a contest between you as to who could write the best poem and thus obtain the one spot where he will be buried, in Poets' Heaven. So they agreed to the contest and St. Peter said, "The word is Timbuktu." He said, "You Shelley, start first." And Shelley wrote this poem:

As I was walking along the shore
And heard the ocean roar
A mighty vessel hove into view
Its destination, Timbuktu.

And St. Peter said, "That's very, very nice." He turned to Keats and he said, "Mr. Keats, what's your contribution?" So Keats said:

As Tim and I a-walking went
We spied three maidens in a tent
Their legs spread wide for all to see
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

THE AFRICAN SAFARI

Well, I'll get to the last one and this is a story about a safari that three Jews who had been very successful in the United States decided to take in Africa. They had been all over and this was going to be an unusual experience and when they got to Africa they found a safari leader and he brought together a team — a doctor, beaters, drummers, people who carried the equipment and what not and then the safari leader lined them all up, ready to go into the velt and he hands out guns. He said, "I want you to carry these guns each of you, right over your shoulder, and when we get inside I'll give you the details on how to shoot'em." Well they lined up. The safari leader says, "Let's go." And there the doctor, the beaters, the drummers and the three Jews marched into the velt. When they got quite a ways in, they saw an open area and there was a tree in the middle of the area and out of the velt a tiger was running. Right behind him was a lion, out to catch the tiger. The tiger ran up to the tree in the center of this open area, and when these three Jews saw that they deployed themselves, each one separated from the other around the tree. The lion begins to shake the tree and the tiger falls down and at that moment, the three Jews shot. Well one of the Jews lost one eye. And one the Jews, the second of the Jews, lost an ear. And the third lost his penis. Well the doctor was busy taking care of each of them, nursed him along until they were well enough to go back home. And the doctor came with the safari leader when they got on a ship to go back home. They waved goodbye and the three Jews left for America.

Some ten years later, the doctor came to a convention in Chicago, where these three Jews lived. And after two or three days at the convention, he met in the room with a number of doctors who began telling stories and he told the story about these three Jews on the safari.So they said, "We're here in Chicago. Aren't you going to call him?" He said, "Yes, I was waiting till the convention was over and I was going to call him and talk to him." "Well we would like to see these three people and see what happened." "Well," he said, "very simple. I took the eye out of an elephant and put it into the bad eye of the Jew. I took the ear of this baby elephant and substituted it for the ear on the other Jew. And I took the trunk of the elephant and sewed it on to provide a penis for the third one." So the doctor said, "Gee we can't wait to hear and see what took place." So the doctor calls the three. They were delighted to hear. Sure they'll come down. Yes, they'll talk to the other doctors. So they came down. The doctor who was on the safari with them greeted them and the other doctors marveled at what they saw on each of them and one of the doctors finally said, "You my friend, who got this new eye, tell me, how do you fare in this world? "Oh," he said, "fantastic. I used to see things but I see today a flora and a fauna that was never in my ability to see. And a new world has opened up to me. I'm as happy as can be with this eye." And they turned to the second Jew who had his ear replaced. And the doctors said, "And what about you, my friend?" "Oh," he said, "There are voices from insects, from birds, that never entered my consciousness. I hear these delicate sounds. It's like a symphony. I'm so happy. I couldn't have been more pleased." And they turn to the third one who had his penis replaced by the trunk of an elephant. "And you, my friend?" He said, "Everything is perfect, just perfect, except at cocktail time when they pass the peanuts."

THE BUZZARD, TURTLE & RABBIT

So I will tell you a story about a buzzard, a turtle, and a rabbit. These three met one time in the woods and had a wonderful experience together. And as night was coming on and they were ready to part, to go to their respective homes, the buzzard said, "I've been a lonely person and this was so enjoyable today. I just wish it could go on day after day. Why should we part? Why not arrange to live together?" And the turtle said, "That's a fine idea." And the rabbit agreed. And they all held hands and danced around and said, "Agreed?" And the buzzard said, "The first thing we should do is find a place for our home. We should put it up on the highest hill so we could see if any enemy is coming." So they moved up to the top of the hill and the buzzard said, "The first thing we have to do is build a foundation and build the home." And so they began digging and digging and finally the buzzard said, "This is hard work. I'm strong. The turtle is strong. But you, rabbit, are fast. The turtle and I will continue digging away and get everything in order. In the meantime, you rabbit, go and find the fertilizer to convert this herd scrabble into a verdant green." So the rabbit scampered to find the fertilizer and the turtle and the buzzard began to dig harder and harder and harder. And finally the buzzard's spade hit a hard object, they unearthed it. It was a trunk and they opened it up and it was filled entirely with jewels of all kinds. And the first words that came out of the buzzard to the turtle were: "Won't the rabbit be pleased when he comes back to see what we have found." And then the turtle winked at the buzzard and the buzzard winked at the turtle and things began to happen. All overnight they built a foundation, got help with their new found wealth and built a home, landscaped it and moved into it. The next night, the rabbit came back loaded down with the fertilizer. And he saw something familiar with this high hill but he had never seen a house on it and he just couldn't understand where was the hill that they were going to live together on. So he saw the house on top of the hill and he went up to the house carrying the bag of fertilizer. And he knocked on the door. The door was opened and the butler came to the door, drew himself up to his full height and he said, "What can I do for you rabbit?" He said, "Is the buzzard or the turtle or both of them here?" And the butler drew himself up. He said, "If you mean, Mr. Buzzard, he's down in the yard. And if you mean Mr. Turtell, he's down by the well. He's down at the well." And that sort of was a surprise to the rabbit and he drew himself up and he said, "Well you tell Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Turtell that the Rabbitt is here with the shit."

Well, Granddaughter, I had no choice but to comply with the demands of your pistol but I'm weary. I'm willing to take all the consequences but I can't go on any more. Shoot.

THE LORD GIVETH

I had a little matter over at our temple this afternoon and that reminded me of a story related to a funeral that was going on, a service at a synagogue.

The fellow stumbles into the anteroom and he's reeking of liquor to high heaven. He's dirty. He tiptoes over and opens a door and there he sees a rabbi on a pulpit and the room is filled with people listening to this sermon that is going on at that time. This fellow tiptoes in so he wouldn't disturb anybody and he sat down immediately in back of an old lady who was in the last row of people along the aisle. Well the heat of the afternoon, the drone of the rabbi's voice, and this guy fell asleep. And after a while he wakes up with a start and he hears the rabbi intone, "And the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away." Well this fellow taps the old lady in front of him, taps her on the back, and he puts his face around under her face so that he's almost looking at her squarely and he says, "I'll kiss your ass if that ain't a square deal."

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

Well my granddaughter still has that gun to my head so I'll dig down into the barrel and come out with a clean story, for a change.

This has to do with two Catholic priests who met one time for lunch. As they were talking, one of the priests said to the other, "You know I like to ride my bicycle around throughout the parish to visit my parishioners and I'm sorry to tell you that my bicycle was stolen and I'm afraid it was done by one of my parishioners." So the other priests said, "I have an idea for you. When you next have a sermon, bring in the ten commandments and when you come to the one, 'Thou shalt not steal,' you slow down your voice, you raise the pitch of your voice and let it sink in to your audience, and I'm sure your bicycle will be forthcoming. They met again two weeks later and the priest said to the other one, "Well, did you do as I indicated?" He said, "Yes." He said, "How did it work?" "Wonderful, when I came to the sermon I decided to the point where I wanted to bring in the ten commandments, I started out and when I came to the commandment, Thou shalt not commit adultery, at that time I remembered where I left my bicycle."

TWO CHICKENS

Now, let's do a story. Chickens have been around for a long time so I'll tell you a story about a chicken farm and a chicken.

This farm, farmer, has a home in the middle of a five acre ground, surrounded by a wooden fence, having a single entrance to the farmhouse. He had many, many chickens and one rooster, who had been there a long time. He decided one day to go into the village and he bought a young rooster and threw the rooster in with the other chickens. In no time this young rooster found the old one and the young one said, "Listen, buddy, I'm taking over here. You take a powder." And the old rooster said, "I've been here a lifetime. I wouldn't know what to do elsewhere. Why don't you let me stay, have one hen and I won't be in your way." But the young rooster was adamant. But the old rooster was very smart and he suggested, "Let's have a contest to decide what will happen to me. If I win the contest, which will be an athletic contest, which gives you the advantage, I will leave and you'll never hear from me again. But if I win the contest, then you'll let me stay and have one hen." So the young one was pretty sharp and he asked, "Well, what's the contest?" So he said, "Well you see the gate that's over there and we'll both go to the gate and run around the perimeter of this farm and the one who comes back to the gate first, wins. If I win, I stay and have one hen. If I lose, I go." So the young rooster thought about that for a moment and figures, "How in the hell could this guy beat me?" and he said agreed. They went over to the starting gate. They were just about to start when the old rooster said, "Look, I've been thinking about it. I'm an old rooster. You're a young one. You're strong. There's no question you can beat me. Give me a fighting chance. Give me a few feet advantage. Without thinking, the young rooster agreed. So, the old rooster started out and then five seconds later the young rooster was after him. In the meantime, the farmer was sitting with his wife on the porch and then saw what was going on. And when the young rooster bean running after the old rooster, the farmer went in an he got his shotgun, held it to his jaw and fired and killed the young rooster. And then his wife said, "Why did you do that." He said, "This is the third queer I've had here this week."